And Baby Makes Two

Chapter Four - The Rise of the FBB

“….so anyway, I just said to my sister, ‘you just need to get used to it sweetheart ‘cos you’re a grown up now and I’m a busy Mother!”
Tasha and I had wiled away the long hot days lounging on blankets in the park, indulging our post-natal cravings for cream cheese and sushi,…and the odd bottle of wine or two. As our babies dozed, gurgled or fed, we recounted our last 30 years of family life, loves, loathes and longings. It had been a precious time to spend getting to know the new little man in my life and our life-long friends.

“So, anyway enough of her, she just needs to grow up. Have you heard Davina’s news?” Tasha asks grinning from ear to ear.
“No,” I say now animatedly intrigued.
“She is going to be a contestant on ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of her’!” Tasha can barely contain herself.
“What?” I shriek back making Josh jump, “that jungle programme in Australia?”
“Yes!” Tasha confirms excitedly, “where they have to eat cockroaches and swim with snakes to get food!” She is almost liquid with glee. I sit staring at Tasha who is clearly awaiting my very BIG reaction to such a bombshell…
“But……why?”
“I dunno, money, fame, humility?” Tasha laughs, “I can’t wait! We need to get everyone together with pizza, wine and beer to watch it every week. It will be like the World Cup, only much, much more fun!”

I feel less exalted by the concept; there were so many implications, would she become really famous and change? Would she be humiliated by it? Were they so broke that she HAD to do it? What if she lasted until the end – I’m sure it was weeks they were there for, what would happen to Scarlett?
“Come on Zo’ it’s a laugh – don’t you think so?”
I stutter out of my 40 mind questions, Well, does she really want to do it?” I ask timidly under my breath as if we were in a crowded room and I didn’t want anyone to overhear.
“God yeh!” Tasha booms, “Like , obviously! She’s over-the-moon. This is the girl who has her daughter’s birth filmed so she can get in with the Producer! She can’t believe her luck. Apparently, Fiona Bruce dropped out and they needed someone who was a bit uptight!” Tasha pauses and sniggers while I stare at her, eyes like saucers taking it all in.
“Blimey, so when does she go?”
“August the 13th I can’t wait!” Tasha prospects relishing the future entertainment possiblities.

The park is full of people despite it being a work day, people of all ages drink lattes and frappes and lounge about on blankets, kick footballs around and sunbathe wearing next-to-nothing in the glorious sunshine. It’s been a magnificent summer with the sun beating down daily and a shower in the evening to freshen everything up a bit ready for a baking the following day. Tasha and I have nailed the packing of picnic fodder so it lasts the long lazy day but doesn't overload the pram so much that you feel like you are pushing a wheelbarrow uphill. I rip off some more of the baguette we have been sharing and scoop up some pink homous (sun-dried tomatoes).

Without drama I offer my own piece of news. Casually I reach forward for some parma ham and say, “well, I have some news too,” My tone is laconic and oh so throw away. Tasha takes the bait.
“Oh yeh, what?”
“I’m moving” I say offering no more detail.
“What do you mean moving? When, where, why?” Tasha’s startled look amuses me so I decide to continue the ambiguity for a couple more minutes at least.
“Rats” I say
“What?”
“Rats!”
“Wahdya mean, Rats?” she says getting agitated.
“I have rats. There are rats in my flat!”
“What!!??!!” Tasha very nearly jumps out of her skin as Avril slides off her breast and begins to wail.
While she settles Avril back on I explain that I have seen rats in my flat at night and called the landlord to get them moved out.
“Christ, that’s bloody horrible. We are going straight back to mine and collecting my cats to take to yours,” Tasha asserts, “that’ll keep the little bastards away. So what happened, what did you see?”
I shudder with recall, “yeh well, the night before last I was lying in bed asleep - Josh was in his cot – when I woke up to something damp at my feet, and moving.”
“Oh my God you are joking” Tasha says with a hand up to her mouth like she is going to be sick.
“No. I flicked my foot and it jumped off the bed and scampered across the floor and out of the room! I lay there for about five minutes trying to work out what had happened and praying it was the cheeky squirrel.”
“The what?”
“The cheeky squirrel” I concur, “There’s a squirrel that lives in the garden and knocks at my window sometimes for nuts.”
“Jesus, who are you, Mr Magoo?” Tasha explodes incredulous.
Laughing I continue with my account, “Anyway, despite doing my best to convince myself otherwise, I knew it had to be a rat so I closed my window, locked my door and went back to sleep.”
“What?” Tasha sqwarks”You went to sleep? I would have been out of there man. No way would I have been able to sleep. Not until the thing had been bludgeoned then hung, drawn and quartered so I knew it was dead, along with it’s friends and relatives. Why didn’t you call – Will could have come round and got you!”
“It was 3 in the morning!”
“So, you had a rat in your bed!” she said rat like you might have said ‘horses head’, but then I guess a rat is bad enough…
“Anyway, hang on a minute, the night before last!” Tasha catches up with the details “and you’re still there! Mad, crazy fool.”
“Yehh, well I had to make sure it was a rat – which didn’t take long… last night after I had put Josh to bed, and sealed the door, I sat down to watch Cutting It. After it had finished I got up to make a coffee…”
“…and the bastard was in your sugar!” Tasha guesses.
“haha, no, I thought I would nip to the loo for a wee, and when I opened the door…”
“It leapt up at your throat like Michael Jackson’s Ben!”
“What?...ttut, no! broad as day the big brown rat saunters across the floor, shimmies along the back of the bath and then disappears out of sight. God knows what he was doing in there before I caught him out but he’s not shy about it anyway.”
“Taking a piss, that’s what he was doing most likely, and you my friend are his stoog!”
“Great, thanks! I tell you I’ve got rats and then find out it’s Roland rat’s unsavoury brother!”
Tasha laughs but shudders off the heebies at the same time.
“So, this morning I called my landlord and told him all about it. He came round to have a look for himself and while he was there I mentioned to him my idea of how to convert the flat from one bedroom to two bedrooms. Remember I told you, by moving the bathroom to the centre of the flat between the front room and my bedroom and then making the bathroom a second bedroom..?”
“yeh, vaguely” Tasha recalls
“Well, he thought it was a great idea and has offered me one of his big 5 bedroom houses to stay in, that are currently up for sale, while he renovates my flat. That way he can do all the work and sort the rat problem and add £25k to the value of the flat while he does so.”
“Wow, that’s amazing, so you will have a two bedroom flat at the end of it! I’m really surprised he’s sorting it out so quickly ‘cos from what you’ve said about him before he sounded like a right git.”
“Yeh he has been, threatening to kick me out if I didn’t sign a contract for another 6 month period the day I was due to give birth, but I guess this is mutually beneficial. He has been really nice about it all and is sending two of his workmen around in a van next week to help me move my stuff. The five bedroom house is still being decorated but he said it will be finished in a week.”
“Where is this house?” Tasha demands, “you’re not moving away from Stokey are you?”
“God no! You and the others are my lifeline. No it’s only around the corner, two streets away.” My phone rings.
Looking at my mobile phone screen I mouth to Tasha ‘ it’s Nancy, better take it” Tasha shrugs and starts her compulsive rooting around her bag which she feels she must do when she is not directly in conversation with anyone. She never seems to find what she is looking for – only something she forgot she was looking for earlier.
“Nancy! How are you.” I say older sister tone.
“I can’t talk for long I’m so busy, tomorrow I fly to Milan for two days, then to Vienna, and then I am off to Frankfurt. I can hardly breathe I’m so busy. I was out last night and got absolutely trollied too so I’m trying to do EVERYTHING, and nurse a major hang-over. God, I mean I don’t know what this company did before they got me on board! Anyway, Drew has got this party launch happening tonight and I need to have some things dropped off to an address at 8 this evening and I thought you’re always in so wouldn’t mind if I got them delivered to yours!” She finshed like she had made a statement cleverly disguising the question and therefore option!
“Ohh, I’m not sure. Will they definitely come at 8? ‘cos I need to bath Josh and get him to bed, and make dinner and do some book-keeping too…”
“…oh come on Zo” Nancy cut in from the other end of the phone line “…It’s not like you’re going to be too busy to open the door and I’m having them collected tomorrow. I need you to do me a favour this time. I’d really appreciate it.” Her spoonful of sugar right at the end wasn’t enough to disguise her tally of favours now due for being birth partner, so I say:
“Er, okay, well, er of course I will, but you’ll have to send a courier tomorrow before 10 am as I’m out at 10.30 for the whole day.”
“Yeh, yeh fine of course.” She assures – not very reassuringly. “Thanks Babe, oh and how are you and Josh, having loads of fun in the park I expect… Oh shit have to go, they need me again. Bye.”

Nancy disconnects and I file my phone away in my bag.
“What was that about?” Nancy pipes up, noticing the weary expression on my face.
“Oh it was just Nancy wanting a favour again. I dunno, she always makes me feel like I am being ridiculous if I infer that I might be busy too and thus don’t fancy stopping whatever it is I am doing to help her out.”
“Whaddya mean? You are a single mother trying to hold a company together, single-handed on very little cash, having had hardly any sleep for three months and facing the prospect of packing up everything you own to move house because your current flat is rat-infested! I think you deserve a night off instead of pandering to an FBB whim!”

I look at her, half in awe at her succinct summary of my life whilst wondering what on earth an FBB was.
“FBB?” I ask.
“Mmm, Friend Before Baby. It’s what Will calls any friends I had before having Avril who can’t understand why I’m no longer up for – or able to – spend all night on the drink and the razz. You know the ones their priorities are social life, career, shoes, and they are always desperate, but oh too busy, to see you.” Tasha ends her description with a supersized bite of her banana muffin and a slurp of organic juice.

She was right of course, my friendships had forked into befores and afters. As delicious as my new friendships were, I couldn’t help mourning the spontaneity and independence enjoyed by those of old.

posted by Rebecca Valentine at 10:59 am